apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
