Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
