My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
