i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
