Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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