There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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