A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
