tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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