You're my little dorito
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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