My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
