No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
