He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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