yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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