I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
