New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
