This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
