I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
