Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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