I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
