Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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