In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
