Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She's the barista slut.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
