She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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