Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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