I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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