I think my vagina is haunted
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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