She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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