im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
