I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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