How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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