watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
