Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
