Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
