why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Vodka?
Forever.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
