Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
