when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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