I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
