I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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