life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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