Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We got so high we made milksteak
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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