There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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