Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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