i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
