Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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