I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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