her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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