I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
