I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
