im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize