We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
