It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
