my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You took a bar mat shot.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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