fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
