so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize