I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
