you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize