Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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