I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
