I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
