I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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