i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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