The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
