So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just pee around me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize