why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I need to calm my uterus...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
