I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
